When the little things worry you too much. When you’re hungry, decided to eat but as soon as you finish your meal, you feel like vomiting everything. When you can’t concentrate. When people catch you staring at blank space. When you feel so helpless, you want to stop. You want to stop everything. Just stop. Stop. Please, let these stop.
Please. Tell me this day is only another bad dream. Please tell me none of these recent events are real. Please let me wake up. Please.
I seem to speak like a toddler when my crush talks to me. I manage to speak in 2-to-3-word sentences only. It’s like my mind goes blank.
I used to like you. A lot. 2-3 years ago. Even when I knew you and my friend also likes each other. Maybe that’s the main reason I tried keeping it low because I can’t torture myself that way. Then a year ago, I got to work with you. You were far from how I expected you to be. You were funny amd annoying. Oh, you were mostly annoying this past year. Maybe it was also because I was trying so hard to move on I ended up noticing your flaws most days. Eventually, I had bigger life issues. You stopped coming to mind. I stopped trying to get near you. I also got tired of making our conversations work. We just almost always have nothing to talk about during the rare moments we happen to be alone together. Until now. We interact better in groups when I can just tease you along with our other friends. And that’s okay. You see, I think I am almost over you. Not yet, because I am still writing about you. But I know I am very close to the finish line.
I am not sure I still want to get to know you. I’m not sure if I still to want to befriend you. So many opportunies have slipped. So many times you have made me feel like trash. You have come to shatter this idea of you that I have created through the years in just a span of a year and a half that I got to be near you. You used to be an inspiration and a lot of other things. You used to be…I am overthinking again. I claim that I am not anymore interested but here I am…writing about you. Again.
Just when I am in the mood to actually go out of the house and drink with friends, my friends don’t feel like going out. Just because they don’t want to. No other reason. And I can’t force them because I’m too old for that.
I really ought to just stock my fridge with drinks in the near future. So I can drink at home. Alone.
I really envy people who’ve figured everything out: their dreams, desires, and goals. While here I am, in my mid-20s and taking up Medicine, feeling more lost everyday. I can’t decide on the specialty I’ll be taking, or if I’ll even be taking one.
I have been away for the past 7 months. Why? I don’t know. I lost track of time. I got busy. I prioritized. Writing was moved to the bottom while studying was moved to the top of the list. Still, I haven’t reached my goals. I still feel inadequate at times. I still feed horrible about a lot of things. The great part? I am still here. I am still holding on to my dream of becoming a doctor. I still study for several hours a day not because grades define my existence but because I want to learn and I want to be a good doctor someday.
I am tired. The academic year will come to an end in a few weeks. Most of the remaining days will involve a battery of exams, including the dreaded final exams. I have started studying for the finals but I have only recently started. I hope this early start will help improve my grades. Speaking of grades, nope, I have no failing grades. The problem is I am not satisfied with them. They did not reach the standards I have established before. Despite that, I know I am learning a lot during this academic year.
I really hope things will get better.
Today, there were many times I wanted to cry. I miss my parents. I miss our house in the province. I miss coming home to my little brothers. I just feel so lonely here in the city even if I live with my brother. I feel so lonely even if I have school every day, even if I am always surrounded by classmates and there is always so much to do. I feel lonely. Most times at school, I feel like I don’t belong with my group of friends. Is it me who’s creating a shell against them or is it them who has always had a shell against me? Sometimes, I also feel empty. I ask myself why do I still continue to study all these crazy diseases and information in medical school. I feel tired and empty. I know I am forgetting a lot of things like goals, and dreams that is why I feel all these. But I just cannot help to feel so down and sad. I know what I need to do but I am just losing interest in doing them, in almost anything lately. Right now, I need to feel this sadness. I’d rather feel this sadness than the occasional emptiness.
This will pass. I hope that happens soon.