Sometimes, I feel like people around me don’t like me. Sometimes, I don’t wanna know why. Because, sometimes, I don’t like myself, too.
For countless times, I have reminded myself to be true to myself because pretending is very exhausting. I think I am about to break that promise again…
1. Less regrets. You will make a thousand decisions this year again. From small ones (which dinner to eat) to life-changing/will-affect-you-for-the-rest-of-your-life ones (which residency program to take), and it will not be easy…but you should strive to make smart decisions and avoid regrets later.
2. Acceptance. There will always be things you cannot change and for this year, I want you to learn to acknowledge and accept them. Move on with life. Don’t get stuck. Focus instead on the million other things you can do something about.
3. Self-care. Your dearest friends always remind you this. And I know you have tried this 2017. You learned to apply makeup better, use eyebrow pencil, wax your hairy legs, color your extremely dull hair and a lot more. But there is still so much to do! You know you have always had a goal in mind. You have pictured your future self a thousand times: pretty, clean, classy and a lot more! It is time to paint the picture and show it to the world. The future is now.
4. Express. Stop giving a fuck what others will think when you say what you think/want/need. So what? Always remember: you are different and it is so okay to be. They laugh at your weirdness. Don’t be hurt. Embrace your oddness. Be who you are. If they love you and are worth your real self, then they’ll stay around you.
5. Show your love. There are so many people who care for you. Focus on these people. For many times this 2017 you wanted to give food to people but didn’t. This 2018 ,go ahead. Stop using “i’m shy/they might not appreciate it” as your excuse. You can never tell how much time left you’ll have time with them so always make them feel loved.
When the little things worry you too much. When you’re hungry, decided to eat but as soon as you finish your meal, you feel like vomiting everything. When you can’t concentrate. When people catch you staring at blank space. When you feel so helpless, you want to stop. You want to stop everything. Just stop. Stop. Please, let these stop.
Please. Tell me this day is only another bad dream. Please tell me none of these recent events are real. Please let me wake up. Please.
I seem to speak like a toddler when my crush talks to me. I manage to speak in 2-to-3-word sentences only. It’s like my mind goes blank.
I used to like you. A lot. 2-3 years ago. Even when I knew you and my friend also likes each other. Maybe that’s the main reason I tried keeping it low because I can’t torture myself that way. Then a year ago, I got to work with you. You were far from how I expected you to be. You were funny amd annoying. Oh, you were mostly annoying this past year. Maybe it was also because I was trying so hard to move on I ended up noticing your flaws most days. Eventually, I had bigger life issues. You stopped coming to mind. I stopped trying to get near you. I also got tired of making our conversations work. We just almost always have nothing to talk about during the rare moments we happen to be alone together. Until now. We interact better in groups when I can just tease you along with our other friends. And that’s okay. You see, I think I am almost over you. Not yet, because I am still writing about you. But I know I am very close to the finish line.
I am not sure I still want to get to know you. I’m not sure if I still to want to befriend you. So many opportunies have slipped. So many times you have made me feel like trash. You have come to shatter this idea of you that I have created through the years in just a span of a year and a half that I got to be near you. You used to be an inspiration and a lot of other things. You used to be…I am overthinking again. I claim that I am not anymore interested but here I am…writing about you. Again.
Just when I am in the mood to actually go out of the house and drink with friends, my friends don’t feel like going out. Just because they don’t want to. No other reason. And I can’t force them because I’m too old for that.
I really ought to just stock my fridge with drinks in the near future. So I can drink at home. Alone.